I want to thank everyone for your replies to my thread, good or bad. Still trying to stop 100% for the rest of my life. When I was 24 I thought, โno way am I doing this at 30โ and now at 42, Iโm kind of horrified that it went on for close twenty years, with maybe only 4 or 5 months in row of no visits of any kind the odd year.
I was often told by women in my 20s that I wasnโt man enough (maybe not the exact words, but I understood well enough) and then when I got really lean and fit by the time I was 35ish, I think I saw the spa as both intimacy and a way to respond to the women from my past. Now I resent most women who are my contemporaries because they are mostly fat, divorced and broke. They want me now but I keep seeing that 25 year old brain of theirs rejecting me. Hard. Without mercy. So I pieced together that my spa visits were in some way a kind revision of my past and that wouldโve - couldโve - shouldโve.