Chat Jokes please

[loves to lick]

 

[loves to lick]

 

[snoopdoggie]

---

At the Saturday morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda minivan to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says: "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: 'FUCK him'

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 226453

Of course because they cover it up so you can't see it.

 

[snoopdoggie]

 

[snoopdoggie]

 

[snoopdoggie]

 

[snoopdoggie]

 

[snoopdoggie]

 

[snoopdoggie]

 

[snoopdoggie]

 

[Buaya]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[Buaya]

At a posh golf clubhouse, a male visitor inadvertently ended up in the ladies showers instead of the men’s. When he went in there were no women there but when he finished showering he could hear there were some women in the locker room and he didn’t know what to do. Finally he just put his towel over his head and ran out the door.

The ladies are shocked by the intrusion and aghast at the immense size of his manhood.

The first lady says, "Well that was definitely not my husband."
The second lady says, "Mine either."
The third lady says, "I’ve got news for you – he’s not even a member of this club!"

 

[Buaya]

A lady went to a beauty salon to have her hair done. While dressing her hair, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the shop. Suddenly, the lady turned to the man and said, “Mr., you are so handsome. Can we meet later today?” The man replied, “I’m married.” The lady continued, “And so? You can just tell your wife you’re going to visit a friend in the hospital and from there….”
And the man replied, “Tell her herself. She’s the one doing your hair.”

 

[Buaya]

was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and
I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other... What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

 

[Buaya]

Jenny’s friend Debbie was complaining about a sore throat.
“So,” Jenny said, “When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I’m better. You should try it.”
Next day, Debbie comes in singing.
“How did it go?” Jenny asks.
“Brilliant,” says Debbie. “Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

 

[Buaya]

Four old Catholic men, and an old Catholic woman were having coffee, in St. Peter’s Square.
One of the men said, “My son is a priest; when he comes into a room, the men all call him ‘Father.’”
Another man said, “My son is a Bishop; when he enters a room, the men call him ‘your Grace.’”
The 3rd man said, “My son is a Cardinal; when he walks into a room, the men call him ‘your Eminence.’”
The final man proudly said, “My son is the Pope; when he comes into a room, men call him “your Holiness.’”
They looked at the woman, who slowly gave them a small smile. She said, “My daughter is 26 years old, stands 5’8” tall, weighs 120 lbs., and has measurements of 38, 23, 36. When she walks into a room, all the men say ‘Jesus!’”

 

[Buaya]

Everyone’s Buddy

At a wedding reception I recently attended, the best man announced, “All the married men, please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was nearly crushed to death!

 

[Buaya]

A man was sitting at the breakfast table looking intently at a piece of paper.

His wife came down and asked him why was he looking at their Marriage Certificate.

Husband "Remember when your father - the chief of Police caught us making out in my car when we were dating? Threaten me with jail if I don't marry you?

Wife: Yes I remember and that was 25 years ago.

Husband: Yes, I had been thinking that if I had taken him up on his offer I would have been out in 3 years.

 

[loves to lick]