I think @pri has started a good trend here. I encourage all of you to answer this million-dollar-question. “Why do I monger?”WHY I MONGER (few reflections) :
I wanted to delve into phycology of why am I on this endless spree of giving away my hard earn money in mongering. To understand why monger I should first tell you somethings about myself , I have been a good studious kid most of my life but I am too shy and introverted and this has caused my social life to be nil. Although during school and college days I used to have freinds but I was never able to make a girlfriend due to introverted and shy nature ( I was too afraid to talk to girls till 4th year of my college, more like Raj from Bing Bang theory). When I started working I still wasn't able to get any girls, fortunately I was focused in carrer and went to us for my graduate degree, in US I was amazed to see the openness but here also no girlfriends while most of my friends had fun ( I conviced myself if I work hard enough I may become a great scientist, and I was good my advisor liked me a lot). After two years of pretty hard work and frustration I realized all the things are bullshit, as my friends who didn't study got good offers for PhD while I was stranded as my advisor didn't have funds. So I started going to strip clubs there ( although I was living foot to mouth still was able to save enough for clubs, I used to spend around 400 USD a month at strip clubs). So moved to one other lower grade college since that was the only one with funding, also around 1.5yrs. after start of us journey my major depressive episode started and I was seeking counseling for it but no medicines till now. At this lower grade college I became freinds with a playboy from thailand ( he was an undergrad., rich and knew the place well). When I joined a group of around10 girls from Morocco also joined as graduate student, the Thai boy manages to get the hottest one in his bed within a month and she was virgin, seeing all this from my eyes I was like if he can do it I can but I couldn't opened my mouth as soon as pretty girl was standing in front of me. So this Thai guy introduced me to simple pickup on YouTube and I was like wtf, if I had known this thing I could have had a gf so after watching lot of videos I began opening up to random girls with no success, inthe meantime I stopped studying went to bar almost everyday. Took adderall for exams ( my advisor who was funding me was surprised to see change of character but can't do anything as officially we are not suppose to work more than 40 hrs a week, at previous school I used to work 70-80 hrs. I had lot of fun with this Thai boy but no success with girls. Also my depression was worsening without me knowing it. After six months I got a call from a top school in my field and I left for there promising myself I would study like a fucker again. At new school I kept on applying newly learnt pickup techniques but still no success than someone told me about RSD and watches almost all there content tried to implement in field but only was able to get phone numbers of random girls (I think that was due to pity) there were times where I was the only indian I the bar. I was doing ok with my coursework but my behaviour with advisor became aggressive as he was too pushy also I was finding it hard to cope up with one hard project. With no success with girls, I was not able to concentrate on anything except going out in field and doing pickups. My advisor was pissed off and my counselor told me to take pills for my depression ( I never took them, thinking I can fight with it). My grades suffered my advisor took me off funding and I was left alone but I wanted to take one course which they were offering next semester so got some money from home and stayed for summer and enrolled for next sem. In summer completed my project but still was afraid to talked to any other advisor and depression was worsening. After first week of next sem. Met one other prof. Asked for his advise, he told me I should go home. Also in summer I stopped seeing counselor and didn't take the pills. In a split second decided to come back to India( all this time my family was not supporting me as we were not on talking basis).just packed whatever I can and booked a flight. On way back to India I cried in whole flight, steward had to come to consol me ( I knew I made a wrong choice but I didn't had money to pay the tuition which was around 20000$, intially I tahught I will take the one course and leave without paying them). After coming to India I was at home for 6-7 months without knowing what am I going to do with my life. Still I went out to pickup but never had courage to ask random l. My life was in shits I had lost all hope, my parents took me to doctor and my pills started for major depression. I told the doctor everything except my problem with girls which is the root cause of this all. Also after 7months I got a low paying job as a prof. So took that but didn't liked it as I nomore want to touch the books. Somehow managed for 6months and again got a call from us University so went back only this time I had my close school freind the same city. However due to the pills I was taking I developed a drug induced Parkinson's ( I didn't know that at that time, I thaught it's just becoz of new place). To satisfy my lust I started spending on myfreecams.com and even at the University I watched it when no-one was around. I used to go my friend at weekends for fun but becoz of all this I was not concentrating on studies and I was continuing the drugs as prescribed my soctor, day by day my hands and feet were shivering constantly my hand feet motions became slow.i.eantime I got a call from my previous company (the one I joined after undergrad) that they had an opening so accepted that as I knew I was struggling with course and studies ( although my advisor was very good this time he was chill and considerate). So this time willingly I travelled back and said good bye to us forever ( had good time at strip clubs though).
And now I back and have realized the truth, only thing a man wants to do is to procreate. I had stopped the drugs after consulting neurosurgeon who told me I have drugs induced Parkinson's, after stopping drugs I was normal within two weeks. My depression is not fully cured and will never be, I have to live with it. But now I see all girls as a commodity, and just want to fuck them. They are the reason I have to suffer so much. I try to lessen my pain of not having a gf by spending money in db and ob. If money is the only thing that matters in life of people, then let me burn it and have fun while burning it and that is why I monger. What about you?
The ego within may tell you that you are in charge and you can stop mongering whenever you want. A shallow voice in your conscious will force a knee-jerk reaction stating that “I only monger for fun”.
I want all of you to dig into your sub-conscious mind. Take a trip down memory lane. Find how this saga really started. Is there an end in sight? What keeps you going back?
From the anonymity of your web handles, make a brutally honest confession. You will be surprised at the therapeutic value and healing power of this catharsis.
I will also make one when I am near my laptop. Typing on a phone is very inconvenient for me.
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