What's a boy to do?

[rmsbu]

lol good one

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.




Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her..


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[Griezmann7]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

[Logical_Guy]

lolzzzz the farmer turned out smart

 

[oswald]

nice jokes

 

[jasonlovely1999]

what an inneocent boy saying that answer.

 

[Paddywack]

ONLY A MAN

WOULD ATTEMPT THIS







Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!





Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.



A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.



The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.



AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.



I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.



Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.



The directions said that:



a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;



a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and



a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.





Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.



I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!



I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,

one note of caution:



There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.





· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.





· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.





· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.





· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.





· I had no control over the drooling.





· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.





· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!



A side note, I am not the author, this was an email sent to me this morning

 

[Paddywack]

Divorce vs. Murder



A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said; 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'



The pharmacist asked; 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'



The lady replied; 'I need it to poison my husband.'



The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed; 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied; 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

 

[Paddywack]

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.



The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply." Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."



And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model. "The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.



Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man..."There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price...." "See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day.

 

[gim399]

That's very funny. Thanks.

 

[PrinceSmith]

LOL, good ones