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What's a boy to do?

Discussion in 'Jokes and Funny Stuff' started by Paddywack, Feb 15, 2013.

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  1. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
    A boy, about 9, opened the door.
    "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
    "No, they went to town" said the boy.
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
    "No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
    "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
    It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".


    The boy thought for a moment...


    "You would have to talk to Dad about that.


    I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig,
    but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
     
    shaikh47 likes this.
  2. AABACEze

    AABACEze Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2013
    Location:
    Australia
    why do I get an error?

    hello, i am fairly new to posting messages and links. can i not post a links to my youtube channel in here? i am posting on a new name, my email got hacked. thanks!
     
  3. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    Dear Abby: What is the cure for a man that has been married for 33 years and still can't stay away from other women? His Wife


    Dear Wife: Rigor mortis
     
  4. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
    standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.


    "Who was that?" asked his wife.


    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


    "Did you help him?" she asks.


    "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.


    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


    "Yes," comes back the answer.


    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


    "Where are you?" asks the husband.


    "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
     
  5. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    ....when a woman just has to trust her husband.




    A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.


    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
     
    shaikh47 likes this.
  6. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
    insured them against, among other things, fire.
    Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
    cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
    the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
    In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series
    of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
    obvious reason, that the ma n had consumed the cigars in the normal
    fashion.
    The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance
    company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,
    that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had
    warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it
    would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered
    to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather
    than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
    accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
    the cigars lost in the "fires".
    NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
    arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
    being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
    burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
    and a $24,000 fine.
    This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the
    recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
    ONLY IN AMERICA
    NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK THEY'RE NUTS
     
    shaikh47 likes this.
  7. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".


    Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.


    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."


    One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.


    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."


    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."


    My case comes up on Friday...
     
    shaikh47 likes this.
  8. GoingToHongKong

    GoingToHongKong Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2013
    I'm also new so Im not too sure, it might be [ URL="insert link here[ /URLl ](without the spaces), hope it works!
     
  9. revlednereg

    revlednereg New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2013
    Haha, good ones, thanks for sharing!
     
  10. rip.the.jacker

    rip.the.jacker New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    I don't get some of these jokes.
     
  11. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..


    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


    Two o'clock and no hired hand.




    Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


    She quietly called him over to her..


    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


    Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


    He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


    "Now take off my skirt."


    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


    "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
     
  12. Paddywack

    Paddywack Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Location:
    Calgary
    SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.......It takes less than 15 seconds...


    If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
    How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


    1. _ _NDOM




    2. F_ _K




    3. P_N_S




    4. PU_S_




    5. S_X




    6. BOO_S










    | | | | | | | | | |
    Answers:


    1. RANDOM


    2. FORK


    3. PANTS


    4. PULSE


    5. SIX


    6. BOOKS


    You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?




    You do NOT have Alzheimer's




    You are a Pervert
     
    shaikh47 likes this.
  13. admin

    admin Administrator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2009
    Love it:be polite:
     
  14. Kmittal

    Kmittal New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Nice jokes.
     
  15. karizma424

    karizma424 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2013
    I don't get some of these jokes.
     
  16. TorontoM

    TorontoM New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2013
    some good ones in there.
     
  17. sinatrachina

    sinatrachina Newbie

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Nice, nice nice)
     
  18. J D Williams

    J D Williams Newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2013
    Guilty as charged ;)
     
  19. basmith

    basmith Newbie

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2013
    very nice hahaha
     
  20. rmsbu

    rmsbu Newbie

    Joined:
    May 21, 2014
    rofl :) was expecting something else

     
    shaikh47 likes this.

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