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"real men"

Discussion in 'Jokes and Funny Stuff' started by AssCreamMa, Apr 5, 2011.

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  1. AssCreamMa

    AssCreamMa Member

    Feb 2, 2010
    1, OPENING JARS - nnnnnngggg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,
    open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

    4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pssed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
    Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18, TAKING OUT £00’s FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
    straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
    See ya."

    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

    22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage"

    "a Phillips? For that?
    Are you mad?"

    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump.

    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**k - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed
  2. E.T.

    E.T. New Member

    Oct 8, 2010
    Steveo that is superb! Spot on in every sense my son
  3. thebigmannc

    thebigmannc New Member

    Jan 18, 2011

    the exact same ones moonfairy!

    Thought you would like that caveman
  4. Lady Moe34

    Lady Moe34 Member

    Oct 19, 2009

    Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

  5. stevenjohngerrard

    stevenjohngerrard Newbie

    Apr 29, 2014
    haahahahah rofl nice one man keep em coming!
  6. stevenjohngerrard

    stevenjohngerrard Newbie

    Apr 29, 2014
    are these all yours or did u get them from somewhere?
  7. sajet07

    sajet07 Newbie

    Apr 23, 2014
  8. oswald

    oswald Newbie

    Jun 18, 2014
    nice one :D

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